


Rot - Cavities - Stains

by reilgun



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-24 08:36:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19720093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reilgun/pseuds/reilgun
Summary: A solemn look at the aftermath of the epilogues from three different perspectives.





	1. Rot

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to some of those closest to me for help with proofreading and editing. I hope you enjoy. Feedback is always welcome.

I've had a lot of time to contemplate. Months upon months of free time with little more to do than handle chores and look back on past decisions. Though I've gained the perspective of infinite versions of myself, I have not allowed myself to completely lose track of the one timeline that lead to all of this. Whether that's by my own sentimental will, or simply the fact that I am bound to the Light and thus can't ever quite ignore the Alpha Timeline, I'm not sure.

It doesn't matter much. Regardless, I don't feel as connected to "my" source as I'd often like to. I think every part of me wishes its respective timeline had more attention given to it, but there are more important things at hand. It's fitting, for whatever reason, that the thing which I call "myself" identifies most with the Alpha Rose that let all of this happen.

This is hardly worth mentioning, anyways, since you all have surely come to one conclusion or another on your own. I doubt I could sway any of you in my direction, no matter how convincing I may be. Some people aren't as receptive to the truth, or simply would rather not think about it. Even I have fallen into the comfort of lies at times, despite myself. The most distinct example of this in my mind is my last interaction with my wife.

I'm certain Dirk thought he was some kind of mastermind throughout it all, that he was pulling strings in such a way that would allow him to bypass my desires. I'm certain he still thinks that, to some extent, though I've noticed a shift in the way he interacts with me. He may not understand it all, but he's catching on. I know Kanaya doesn't get it, but unlike almost everything in the world, I'm not sure I'd have the heart to explain it to her.

Those of us who live under Light have a unique relationship with satisfaction and happiness, whether we realize it or not. Aranea understood this concept almost as well as I did, but missed some vital parts. Vriska, from what I know of her, was little more than a helpless victim. Never fully aware of why she felt the need to do what she did.

As a Light player in the Alpha Timeline, one must constantly strive to maintain their position. As such, all of my thoughts and actions have been balanced on the principle of keeping myself in the spotlight. Falling out of that spotlight is simultaneously the most horrific possible event, and the only way I could ever really be happy. Only when one is free of the oppressive pressure from paradox space to succeed can they ever relax and soak in the Light of the universe. Until that moment comes for me, I am little more than its tool. I have seen myself infinitely taking expected sighs of relief upon falling out of this. That isn't to say there isn't also panic and anger, especially for those splitting off in post-game, but it ultimately fades and becomes the turning point for my overall improved emotional health. Despite that, it's something I could never let happen without a fight. I’ve come this far, I don’t intend to waver.

To that end, when I was faced with the fact that I had to choose between Kanaya and this adventure with Dirk, I did what I must. Dirk's manipulations served as little more than a flimsy excuse to ignore the heartache. A brief moment of her understanding, a goodbye I could hold onto. Even someone like me can appreciate a manufactured truth.

I love my wife, but I do not regret a thing.


	2. Cavities

**> Reader: Be Meenah.**

You are now Meenah Peixes. You and Karkat are in the middle of your daily bout of sitting next to each other. Sometimes you talk strategy, other times romance. Right now your mind is on the latter, but you aren’t currently planning on sharing your thoughts any time soon. Karkat seems just as focused as you are.

This whole arrangement was supposed to last a sweep or so before you found a way out of here to meet up with Aranea, but things have only gotten worse. You made a prawnmise and you’re gonna see it through or die trying. If your prongs aren’t jutting out of Jane’s idiot fascist chest sooner rather than later, things are gonna get _bad._ That’s not even what really concerns you, though, not right now.

You’ve wasted an eternity with someone who isn’t right for you once already, you’re not about to do it again. After an embarrassingly long bit of being angsty about being cucked by the universe and a furry, you two caved and looked to each other for support. It wasn’t a perfect relationship, but it helped for a while. There was even a period where you really thought you might be moving on, but after a while it became obvious that wasn’t the case. No offense to the guy, but you shouldn’t have to settle for anyone. You’re the richest narcifishstick badass this side of paradox space, after all.

How the fuck are you even supposed to go about something like this, though? You’ve tried and failed to let someone down easy before, so you know that approach doesn’t work. That said, shouty seems better equipped to handle this than (Vriska) was. You’ve got suspicions that he’s been feeling the same way, so maybe he won’t even feel too bad. Shit, will _you_ even feel bad?

No matter what happens you two will still be fronds, so what are you even losing? Things were so much better before this shitshow of a rebounder. Shit, you mean reflounder. Really, though, it’s hard to view this as all too big of a deal. Shell, you’re feeling pretty pumped about it at this point! Things have been so stupid, you’ve barely had any time to focus on your fish puns. Now you can go all trout! Heheh, nice.

Karkat’s giving you a weird look, and it takes you a second to realize it’s because you’ve been bouncing in your seat without thinking aboat it. You collect yourself and put on your best serious face. You’re not sure when you’ll see him again, so you don’t want to end things on a bad note. After a delay that is decidedly too long, you speak up.

MEENAH: hey  
KARKAT:   
MEENAH:   
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY?  
KARKAT: YOU DO THAT OUTLANDISHLY SILLY CHAIR DANCE AND THEN STARE AT ME FOR A SOLID SWEEP AND A HALF AND ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY IS HEY?  
MEENAH: i mean i dunno  
KARKAT: DID YOU THINK OF SOMETHING WE CAN USE AGAINST JANE TO END THIS SHITFEST?  
KARKAT: THOSE WERE THE CONVULSIONS OF SOMEONE WHO JUST HAD A BREAKTHROUGH, WHICH WE COULD REALLY USE RIGHT ABOUT NOW.  
MEENAH: shouty i think we should break this off

Karkat furrows his brow and looks at you for a few long moments before turning to his desk to rest his head in his hands.

KARKAT: YOU LOOKED FAIRLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS, I JUST ASSUMED YOU HAD SOMETHING BIG.  
KARKAT: I MEAN THIS IS BIG, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  
KARKAT: I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE FOUND SOMETHING THAT COULD FINALLY HELP PUT A STOP TO THIS WAR.  
KARKAT: I’M NOT SURE HOW LONG WE CAN CONTINUE TO HOLD ON WITH THINGS AS THEY ARE.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW THAT, THOUGH.  
KARKAT: MAYBE I WAS BEING NAIVE, THINKING WE COULD BEAT HER.  
KARKAT: MAYBE WE LOST A LONG TIME AGO.

You shift in your seat a bit. This isn’t going how you were hoping.

MEENAH: i mean ive got an idea for her too

Karkat loosens the grip on his face and turns slightly towards you. If things weren’t so tense you might not have even noticed it, but under these circumstances you can see it as the beckoning for you to continue that it is.

MEENAH: uh yeah im gonna krill her  
KARKAT: WHAT, ON YOUR OWN?  
MEENAH: yeah but hear me out  
MEENAH: i took on a giant green skeleton cod  
MEENAH: who is like way tougher than some stupid fleshy human  
MEENAH: not to mention im a thief of her aspect which means  
MEENAH: whale it probubbly means somefin  
MEENAH: and its not like we have any other options

Karkat turns away from you and leans back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling. You didn’t even think to mention the Ring of Life, which is easily the most convincing part, but it’s too late now. It’s not like you even need his approval. You know you’ll win, you can do whatever you want. It’s something to soften the blowfish, you guess.

KARKAT: AND THEN WHAT?  
KARKAT: WHAT’S CHANGED TO MAKE WHAT WE HAD A BAD IDEA?  
MEENAH: i never R-E-ELY planned for this to be a forever kinda fin  
MEENAH: did you?  
MEENAH: shorely youre gonna go win back dave eventually  
MEENAH: pull an obama or somefin  
KARKAT: AN OBAMA.  
MEENAH: yeah i guess  
KARKAT: FUCK, IT’S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I’VE TALKED TO DAVE THAT I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF THAT’S A STUPID THING TO SAY OR NOT.  
KARKAT: BUT NO, I DON’T THINK I WILL, MEENAH.  
KARKAT: THAT SHIP SAILED AGES AGO, AND IF WE’RE BEING HONEST HERE I’M NOT SURE IT’D EVEN BE WORTH IT TO GET HIM “BACK.”  
KARKAT: ASSUMING WE EVEN HAD ANYTHING.  
KARKAT: I’D BE RUINING A RELATIONSHIP JUST FOR HIM TO BE LEFT ALONE AFTER A RIDICULOUSLY SMALL CHUNK OF HIS IMMORTAL LIFE WHEN I INEVITABLY DIE.  
KARKAT: I CAN’T DO THAT TO SOMEONE, ESPECIALLY NOT HIM.

Yikes. This is the exact thing you were trying to avoid. Think, Meenah, think. What can you possibly say that can make this better? Is there a single thing in the entire swimming pool that is your head that could add something to this? It’s not like he doesn’t know your fishues with this stuff, and you don’t really have much in the way of a response to that whole mess. You guess maybe you should just...

MEENAH: W)(AL-E  
MEENAH: its sure been nice  
MEENAH: doin this with you  
MEENAH: reely youve been great  
MEENAH: and uh  
MEENAH: good luck with  
MEENAH: all of  
MEENAH: that  
MEENAH: uh  
MEENAH: sea you around?

You run off before he can respond, but you’re not so sure he would’ve said anything anyways. You should’ve done this sooner, it’s cleaner. That way you wouldn’t have to think about how he’ll probably die alone. That way you could've kept things simple so you could call him and not have it be some huge thing. Maybe in a few sweeps he’ll forgive you, but you can’t spend any more time dwelling on this at the moment. You’ve got bigger fish to fry.


	3. Stains

Terezi currently sits on the floor, pondering grief. This is a regular occurrence these days. What’s rarer are moments like now, where she spends time acknowledging herself. Her consciousness screams, reeling in all the sensations she’s managed to block out for however long. Aches and itches; feeling and smelling and tasting and  _ breathing _ the many reasons she wishes to stay disconnected.

She stretches out of habit and finds that it feels somewhat alien to her. She stands and begins to wander the ship in hopes that it’ll help her mind wander reality in the same way. The powers she’d deemed useless or even harmful many times before were now proving to be her number one coping mechanism. She knows that in the long run she’s doing herself a disservice, but she has little choice in the matter at this point.

She’s never felt less in control. She’s found herself a passenger on a ship captained by the murderer of the best thing she’d had in sweeps, all because she has nothing better anymore. She’s forced to sit in her pain one way or another, either on a cosmic level or one far more grounded than she can handle. Months have drifted past as she’s watched versions of herself make choices that serve her far better than anything she’s ever done in the Alpha Timeline. She’s never been great at helping herself, and as much as she wants to believe that she’s improved on that front, she’s even worse at convincing herself of lies.

She’d spent far too long searching for a needle in an infinite haystack, and then the instant she moved on she got shut down. It’s something she’s gotten used to at this point, and at least this time she has someone to blame. Even then, she finds herself looking for flaws in  _ her _ own actions far more than any triangle faced asshole. When every other timeline is mocking her with how much better it is than her own, how can she not feel like she’s the one who fucked up simply by complying with Skaia’s idea of what’s correct?

She wants so desperately to be anyone but Alpha Terezi, and she’s managed to mostly lose herself in the sea of realities, but sometimes she’s stuck with this one. Sometimes she is incapable of ignoring the fact that no matter what she does, she will always be here, and she will always be alone. Desperate, defeated, and miserable.

Terezi currently chokes on sobs she didn’t even realize existed, stranded in the truth of her life. It’s been so long since she personally experienced any kind of happiness. Through her viewings of her timelines, she’d seen it in many versions of herself, but even that stopped eliciting any kind of emotional response from her actual self after a few days. 

She sometimes considers if these are even her own thoughts, or if Dirk is leading her through these awful few months as a way of wearing her down. At this point, it wouldn’t even matter. She does recognise that, despite these lurking suspicions, this is not his handiwork. She is more aware of the narration of her life than she can imagine anyone else being; more disconnected from her singular perspective than Rose cares to be or Dirk is able to. She dictates her misery by her own volition. She doesn’t exactly enjoy suffering, but its familiarity comforts her in a way that only Vriska and John were able to. After all, prior to gaining this level of power, she had always played a large part in her own demise.

Just like with many things in her past, she knows that sometimes that which is comfortable is not always worth maintaining. As easy as it would be to keep down this path, to continue doing what she knows how to do, she’s decided to try something else. Not all at once, but gradually, she’ll put the work into finally giving herself the help she deserves. It’ll take tiny steps, slowly reacclimating herself to the idea of being fine again, to the idea of being a  _ person _ again. She’ll put in the effort to fix herself, and..

1’LL DO TH3 B3ST 1 C4N


End file.
